I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
