I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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