toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
