come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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