My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
