Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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