someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
