Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
