i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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