you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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