Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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