Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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