I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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