it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
