Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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