I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
