Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
