sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
