my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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