I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
