Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
