if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
