I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
