sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
