Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
