dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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