im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
