Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
