I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
