I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
