I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
