I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
this just has baby written all over it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
