she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
