I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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