That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
