Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
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I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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