new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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