Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
