Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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