You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
