Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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