He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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