he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
