Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
