I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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