I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
