new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
