Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
