she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
