Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
