Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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