Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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