i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think I just sharted jello shots
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
