:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
