i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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