You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
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I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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