We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
